It’s me, Alfred. KING Alfred. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! I hope all you Dads out there are enjoying your families today.
Not me. I’m not a Dad. They got snipped. That’s right the ole “sniparoo.”
Did I ever tell you guys how I got neutered?
Well, I was living back in Kigali (you all know I’m originally from Rwanda, don’t you?) and I was spraying all over the house. I had this pink silk pillow Moms got in Cambodia I liked to spray. One day Auntie S was sitting on it and a few minutes later complained, “Dee, what is that God awful smell around here?! Is it me or is it something in your house?!”
“Oh… it’s Alfred. He’s spraying all over the house. I’ll have get him neutered.”
What?! Neutered?! I don’t do neutering.
How can I be a KING if I don’t have all my MAN-parts. Moms’ friend Mr. A said I would be “Queen Alfred” if I got neutered.
But, sure enough a week or so later Moms stuffed me inside an old burlap sack, dropped me in the back of the car, and zoomed off to the Vet,
“He won’t feel a thing,” the Vet said as he stuck a needle in my man parts.
“But, why are his eyes bulging out??! My cat looks awful! “ Moms whimpered.
“You go and sit down under that tree over there, “ the Vet hissed. “ I don’t want you fainting on me while I’m doing my operation.”
An hour or so later, the Vet handed me over to my Moms completely frozen and lying on the sack I came in. My eyes were bulging wide open and my cat legs were sticking out.
“He looks awful!” Moms claimed.
“He’ll come out of it in 4 hours,” the Vet said and went off to do other work.
When Moms came home with me she carefully laid me on the couch while the Peace Corps volunteers who lived with us stared in awe.
“What’s wrong with him?” Auntie Joyce asked. “He looks awful.”
“Can you Ladies watch over him while I go and change?” Moms asked.
“Maybe you should have had his operation done in another country. This looks messed up, “Auntie Rachel said sadly. Auntie Rachel understands me the best out of all of Moms’ friends. She was the one who stayed by my side 24/7 when I ate Moms’ medicine and got sick. Moms had to travel and Auntie Rae made sure I wasn’t all alone.
“Something is AWLways happening to him, ” Joyce said in her thick New York accent. “I don’t know how that cat is still alive.”
Four hours later I was still frozen. Moms was really concerned. She called the Vet, “It has been 4 hours and my cat is still under. His eyes are still wide open and he’s completely stiff. He looks awful.”
“Like I said. He’ll be fine. Just give it time, “ the Vet responded flatly
But, two hours later I was still not out of the anesthesia, and Moms was really worried. She angrily called the Vet, “Hello! My cat is still frozen!! What’s wrong with him?! You said that he would come to in 4 hours! Now tell me the truth! What is going on? I want you to come over here right now and help him!” Moms shouted in the phone.
“Why are all you American ladies hysterical about your cats? They are just cats! That cat will be fine, “ The vet said in a tone showing that he was very annoyed with my Moms. He hung up the phone. Moms tried to call him again, but he refused to answer the phone.
An hour later and Moms was frantic.
“Don’t worry, the King will pull through, “ Joyce said.
“Look his eyes are opening,” Rae exclaimed. “Long live the KING!”
“I’ll call the lady who is renting my house in North Carolina. She is a vet and will know what to do, “ Moms said and went off to make the call. She came back and said, “Well, what a relief! My tenant said that it’s normal for kittens to react badly to anesthesia. She said that my kitten should be fine by tomorrow morning. Let’s all go to the movies.”
“Go to the movies?!” Rae said, surprised. “No, you can’t go to the movies! The King needs you. He wants you to stay with him. Don’t go.”
“But, I’ve been cooped up in this house the whole day with that cat,” Moms protested. “ Well… “ she said thinking about it some more, “Why don’t I just drop you two off and come back and see about the King. That will give me a little break, and the King should be fine.
What?! Leave me all alone in my hour of need?! I couldn’t believe it! I couldn’t believe my Moms was leaving me all alone. How could she? I’m her only cat…?!
Moms made me comfy on the couch and took off with the Peace Corps Volunteers. But, I couldn’t stand to be alone. So, I threw my little frozen cat body off the couch and somehow managed to inch my way towards the door.
“Alfred!!” Moms screamed when she saw my frozen cat body in the middle of the floor. “What are you doing?! How in the world did you manage to get from the couch to the middle of the living room?” She said lifting me up carefully and putting me back on the couch, amazed at my ability to defy all to try to follow her.
“Now, I’m going to make dinner in the kitchen. You stay put here on the couch, “ she said making sure my frozen legs were not hanging off the couch.
But, I couldn’t stand to be away from my Moms, and while she was in the kitchen I started working my way off the couch again. Twenty minutes later when Moms came to check on me I was lying back in the middle of the floor.
“Alfred!! What happened?! How did you get off the couch?!” Moms said devastated with deep concern in her voice.”
“Oh my Little Man, you must not want your Moms to leave you. You must be so afraid. Don’t worry. I won’t ever leave you again until you get better. Never again. I promise.”
And, so, my Moms stayed by my side the entire time I was knocked out under anesthesia. And when I came to the next morning I had my Moms smiling over me.
So, guys. There you have it! This is how I got neutered. I won’t ever be a Dad. But, I’ll always be my Moms’ King Alfred.
I’m attaching a photo of me as a lean, mean tiger machine that was taken in Auntie J’s garden.